Do you get this feeling when you just want to run as far as you can, somewhere no one can find you or know who you are and where you come from?…

Yeah, I know, that’s not the best way to start a post. Let’s try positive this time.

So, as the most undisciplined blogger the world web has ever known, I have lived this month with a huge guilt. My blog would jump out from the browser every time I launched it, to look at me judginly, showing stats with 20 loyal readers checking my blog every single day. Well, let’s say 10 of them are actually just readers.

Probably I should explain why such big pauses happen. You know this feeling when you finally get your salary and you go to your favorite shop during the sale, and you enter and see all the colorful stuff: a blouse that’ll fit with your favorite pants, a skirt that will look perfect with the blouse you just saw, a belt, an amazing pair of shoes, and the colors, oh my God, which colors to choose? And you just stand there staring at this stuff, not knowing what to choose because it’s simply TOO MUCH OF A CHOICE.

Well, it’s pretty much the same with topics – it’s so many of them, I seriously didn’t know where to start and at some point just lost it. Should I tell you about two freezing days I spent without water and electricity? Or abour Emin’s and Adnan’s next court hearing? About a torn down house and the amount of money its inhabitants were actually suppose to receive? About Azeris and women? Azeris and animals? Azeris and Armenians? See, I still can’t choose.

So let me just tell you something I realized about myself recently.

It turns out that as every Azerbaijani I’m afraid of CHANGE. Yeah, I am aware of how contradictory it sounds. But I am. I’m not talking about ‘someone-built-a-cool-building-instead-of-freaky-Khrushevka’ change. No, we love this one. The ones that might be ACTUALLY good for us – they are the threat.

While analyzing myself I have managed to classify the kinds of change I’m so afraid of. These are:
1. the ones that require committment.
2. the ones that require patience/hard work.
3. the ones I can’t control, know nothing about with the results I can’t oversee.
4. those promised by “changemakers”.

These fears make me eat a lot of chocolate, spend many sleepless nights and watch romantic movies about successfull people. And you know what actually helps me overcome them? This feeling when you just want to run as far as you can, somewhere no one can find you or know who you are and where you come from. It is a best motivation that moves you forward and makes you realize that CHANGE is a non-stop process that happens whether you like it or not. And all you can do is adjust and find your spot in this process.

And when you do – committments don’t seem that scary anymore, work becomes part of your nature, inability to control seems like an adventure. And, well, you still believe that one day some changemaker will actually keep his promise.

P.S. I also discovered another function of WordPress – subscription. So, if you are still loyal to the world’s most undisciplines blog, you can find the tab in the end of the right column.

    • Ani
    • February 28th, 2010

    Yes, choice can be absolutely paralyzing, because choosing something means rejecting something else. But if you need a motivation for writing, consider that not writing is also choosing–it’s choosing to be silent and choosing not to make your voice heard. Why make people happy who would want your silence?

    I had a bizarre fortune cookie fortune last night I was puzzling over: “The thing you fear inside of you simply wants your love.” Perhaps this was meant for you.

  1. Agreed. Choices, when there are too many of them, can be problematic. But for whatever reason, occasionally I feel lack of topic. Perhaps that’s because I write several specialized blogs in different languages and on different issues.
    Maybe you need to narrow down topics you want to write about. It would help to foster clearer identity for your blog and it would be more focused, consistent, and interesting rather than writing in “her sheyden bir az” style.

    As for change, I think fear will “wither away” by time. Points 1 and 2 looks like they suggest laziness. Are you?
    Anyway, good luck.

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